Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
