So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
