she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
