I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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