The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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