I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
