party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
