So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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