I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
