Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
