I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
