Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
