when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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