you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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