He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
