I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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