mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
