how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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