Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
