I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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