Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
