believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
