five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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