So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
