Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
