He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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