Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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