I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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