omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
