Who wears a wallet chain?!
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
