he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
