at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
