I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
