What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
