Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
