My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
