all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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