What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Someone came in the potted fern
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
