My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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