What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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