woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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