Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
