i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
