eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
