I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
