I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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