whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
