I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
