Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
