I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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