He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
