On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
